It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
