I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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