Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
