bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
