...so i touched it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
