just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
