the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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