the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
