there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
