Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize