I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
