If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
How's work?
Spinning.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
