im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
