do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
