There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
