Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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