I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
