When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
