the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
