I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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