i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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