Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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