He disabled his match.com account in front of me
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
