Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
