my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
