i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
