party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
