I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
