My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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