new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
