ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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