Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
