on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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