he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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