apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I currently don't understand fingers.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
