She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
