i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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