We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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