Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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