You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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