Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
