Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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