I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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