I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
