I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
