I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
