JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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