it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
