Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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