what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
