The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
