woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I need water and some morals
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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