Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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