Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Sext me about skeletons
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