i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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