Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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