Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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