Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
