if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
